14 Mar 2017

ONE DAY // SELF PORTRAIT


"So much of what causes heartache is our wanting things to be different than they are" That quote is from The Book of Joy with Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, a book my dear friend Pete loaned me in Cape Town. I read it slowly and I try to reflect and I write my favorite parts down in my notebook. I'm not even half way through and I learned so much about myself, It's like traveling with a therapist. I am backpacking from Cape Town to Johannesburg on my own and even if I meet people along the way this book is my constant companion. At this moment I am sitting on a porch in Chinsta on the Wild Coast, looking over the beautiful beach and drinking a cup of coffee. I just read about mental immunity and how we can train ourselves, to not avoid the pain but how to handle it better when it comes to us. We don't put our hand on the stove when it's warm because we know it's gonna hurt and we should think the same way about our minds. I know that a lot of my self portraits comes from suffering of the mind. But I also know that I would not be able to make these images if I was in a dark place. Because when you are in a dark place your are so focused on the pain and yourself that nothing else matters. I like to think of it as me being able to manifest those moments where I have felt it or that I am able to connect to it, a bit like acting. I had my heart broken badly twice and the second time I felt like something in me had changed forever and back then I embraced that, not knowing I was letting the darkness even deeper into myself. We all carry around things that makes our hearts heavy, it's part of being human. I'm absolutely loving life and I see the fact that I am sensitive as a strength, it allows me to feel it all and to connect with others. And everything passes, just as long as we allow ourselves to feel it then eventually it will transform. At this writing moment I find myself in a familiar place, a place where I have to be grateful for what have been but not linger on it, not hoping for more and just look ahead. The things I can't change I simply have to accept and avoid heartache by wanting things to be different then they are. I'll probably find a way in these days to turn that into a photograph...


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